Do you ever feel like you don’t always understand why you are the way you are or do the things you do? I have felt like this an awful lot recently, especially when it comes to my weight.
As I’ve shared before, I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I think I started gaining weight in my early teens and it’s just gone on from there. I can’t think of a particular reason why; my parents didn’t influence bad eating habits. Yes I have dealt with mild depression in my early 20’s but this started long before then.
What I do know is that I love my food and I know this has caused me to constantly thinking about what I will eat next. I know the first thing I think about is food when I am feeling sad, happy, anxious, tired and pretty much every emotion in between, but I’ve never considered the reality that this is an addition…
It wasn’t until I was watching a trashy american reality show about an eating disorder treatment centre, that I realised this could be a bigger problem that I originally considered. Now I’m not claiming that I have an eating disorder, nor am I trying to dramatise my experience, however a lot of what they said rang true for me.
I continually eat to the point where I feel physically sick just because I cannot see food go to waste or out of fear that if I don’t eat it all now, someone else will. I almost convince myself that I want/need junk food, and proceed to eat it, even when I’m already full. I would frequently stop after work to buy snacks and eat them before Nick got home from work, or store them in the house to eat when he went out.
Sometimes I will intentionally order more than I know I can eat simply so that I don’t miss out and will look for any excuse to eat out at restaurant or order food in. This isn’t something that has crept up over a few months, but has been almost 10 years of constant abuse to my body.
It’s at the point now where I feel utterly disgusted with myself and I know that something needs to change. It wasn’t until I started doing some more research that I realised there really isn’t much help out there for people struggling with binge eating / overeating. Growing up I was never aware of what (if any) support was there for overweight people and my perception of an eating disorder was an anorexic person who ate (then purged) nothing but salad and chicken. It’s scary how far that is from the truth and how much society brushes eating disorders under the rug, putting obesity down to that particular person scoffing too many burgers.
I’ve always been an independent person so I am determined to make the change myself, but I will still be paying a visit to my doctor in the near future for a check up (the risk of diabetes is scaring the living heck out of me). I’ve learned to take it one day at a time when it comes to my eating habits; as long as today is 100% on plan, and I can repeat that every day, then I’m getting somewhere. It is also my intention to reintroduce exercise gradually.
I feel that people struggling with weight, whether it be over or under consuming, should be encouraged and feel safe to share their problems, and have access to the right support to recover. Wondering what I can do about that….
I am in no way a medical professional so if you think you are suffering with an eating disorder I would urge you to speak to your GP in the first instance.