When I put the Project: Happiness plan in place, it looked like I had it all figured out. I thought I had it all figured out. Well, I don’t. I honestly thought it would be easier than this. I thought I’d get my nails done and have a couple of good nights’ sleep and I’d be back to me again.
So what do you do when you’ve had your nails done, you’ve had that massage and you’ve read some of that book you picked but you still don’t feel better? Truth is, I guess I haven’t figured that bit out yet.
At the moment I can’t sleep. It seems that when the darkness comes, so do the demons. And how do you fight them when you’re tired, afraid, and your partner is sleeping so peacefully beside you?
I write. It’s logical to me that, if I can get the thoughts out of my head, and written in front of me, they don’t seem so big and scary. For a minute I think I’m ok. Then the lights go back out and it starts all over again.
During the day I’m exhausted and that’s when the panic attacks come. Sometimes it’s when I try to leave the house. Sometimes it’s when I convince myself I’m unworthy because Nick gets annoyed that he’s trying so hard to be there for me but he works all day and I’m definitely not the easiest person to be around at the moment. Sometimes it’s just because I’m alone and afraid and exhausted and everything else.
I’m frustrated that I even feel like this to begin with. I’m such a happy person. I’m outgoing and ambitious and hard working. I’m dependable and supportive and caring. I don’t have the capacity to be stressed, anxious and depressed.
What I am doing, is learning.
I’m learning what I respond well to during this recovery and what I don’t. I need to push myself to go outside of my comfort zone every day. I could easily stay in bed and sleep and cry, but who is that going to help!
I’m learning that it is possible to be happy even when you feel depressed and anxious. I used to think that you were either one or the other – happy or sad – that you couldn’t be both simultaneously. But that’s not true. I’m happy about a lot of things; my relationship, my home, my holiday in a few weeks. I’m also sad about a lot of things and that’s ok.
I’m also starting to accept the fact that there is no quick fix for this. There is no right way of dealing with this and there is no universal to-do list to make it go away. This could be something I deal with for a long time and I know I need to keep sight of the light at the end of this metaphorical tunnel. Even if not right away, it will subside eventually. Right?